WHAT UP, SHITFESTERS?
God, it feels good to throw Eric Isaacs back into his basement prison be welcomed back to The IPC with open arms to vent about another rancid film! For those of you who don’t know me, hello! My name is Cara, and I’d like to be your friend. Or, at the very least, I’d like you to listen to me rant. If you happen to enjoy my ranting and would like to read it on a regular basis, I run a little place known as Silver Screen Serenade, and you are welcome any ol’ time.
As always, I’d like to take a moment to provide a little prelude/warning for my regular followers: Cara rules over SSS, but during Shitfest, the villainous, rage-filled, foul-mouthed Dark Cara takes over, and it ain’t pretty. If you’re easily offended by strong language, turn back now, oh sweet and good readers!
…Mom, seriously, don’t read this. Like, for so many reasons, don’t read this. I love you. Goodbye.
…Okay, I think we’re good. YOU READY, MOTHERFUCKERS??? Because I decided to do something special for this round of Shitfest. I was tired of being tormented by terrible films all by my lonesome, so I somehow managed to rope my dear sister, Laura Jo, into this nonsense. She’s been my partner-in-crime for a series I refer to as Schuster Sister Shenangians—a series in which we watch a pre-selected movie at the same time and text about it. Since she’s on the East Coast and I’m in the Midwest, it’s been a great way to keep in touch.
But texting about this movie was agonizing. I blame my sister. I asked her to think of a movie she truly, deeply hated, and her response? Indiana Jones and the Shitty Kingdom of the Goddamn Crystal Skullfuckers. I may have tweaked that title a bit. What’s funny is we just finished up texting about the original three Indiana Jones films, which we love. But this…this is like the noisy, sour fart after a really great meal. It just ruins everything.
Ugh. Let’s get this over with.
Cara: T-minus 2 minutes. You ready for this miserable shit?
Laura Jo: GET READ FOR DISAPPOINTMENT BITCHES
C: Play…UGHHHH.
LJ: HERE WE GO
LJ: WHY IS THE OPENING A GODDAMN GOPHER
C: Thanks for practically smacking us in the face with the ‘50s, Spielberg, you subtle asshole.
LJ: OMG WHY ARE THEY KILLING ERREBODY
C: They deserved it. Everyone in this movie deserves death. I already need a drink…
LJ:
Laura Jo’s “I’m suffering through this for my sister’s sake” juice
LJ: OMG OLD INDY
LJ: WHYYYYY
C: HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE AGED GODDAMMIT.
C: Also, who is this schmuck and where is Gimli???
LJ: RUSSIAN CATE BLANCHETT WHYY
C: This was Cate Blanchett’s very worst decision.
LJ: They are so CLEARLY on a soundstage
C: Oh God they are, aren’t they? That backdrop…yikes.
LJ: Ew his face jiggled when she slapped him
C: LOL
LJ: Also this script FUCKING BLOWS ASS
LJ: I’m already angry. JUST LET INDY REST IN PEACE
C: Seriously. My ears and eyes are bleeding.
LJ: And why the FUCKING HELL is he wearing the SAME GODDAMN OUTFIT
C: Right??? Why is everyone else in the ‘50s but him??
LJ: Button it up, Indy. You’ll catch a chill.
C: Also, no one wants to see your now grey-haired chest and likely flabby man boobs…
LJ: OH RIGHT. THE GUNPOWDER WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY.
LJ: Goddammit. I’m just going to yell this whole time.
C: Fill your drink up. You’ll need it. This piece of shit is 2 hours.
C: …Does Spielberg know how magnets work? Like at all?
LJ: Here’s my issue with the metal sticking to the box: they all have guns. All of them. Are any of the guns sticking?
LJ: NOPE.
C: Right?? At least be consistent if you’re going to be ridiculous.
LJ: Also ew. Whatever the hell is in that box it’s squishy sounding and gross.
LJ: Oh god, Indy in action.
LJ: It’s painful.
C: It’s devastating, really. His oldness.
LJ: And the betrayal of Mack.
C: Fuck Mack. Who IS Mack???
C: “Damn I thought that was closer.” Wince.
LJ: But of course he’s outrunning the entire regiment and falling through ceilings
C: Like, old man Indy’s back would’ve broken about 17 times by now.
C: Ugh. I could buy it when he was young but FUCKING STAAAHHHHP.
LJ: Ew then a bunch of people got incinerated?!
LJ: And again with the GOPHERS
LJ: WTF
C: I HATE THESE CGI BASTARDS
WHY DON’T YOU GO BURROW INTO SPIELBERG’S ASS?!?!
LJ: I think what pisses me off more than all the ridiculous action stuff is the blatant lack of character development. He’s 30 years older!!! Surely he’s changed in some way!!!
C: Right??? He is literally the exact same. It’s pathetic.
LJ: And then he stumbles upon the NUCLEAR TESTING SITE.
LJ: That’s a bummer.
C: Why would they waste money on cable in a nuclear test site???
LJ: BECAUSE SPIELBERG
C: Why does this even happen??? Such a waste of time and so DUMB.
LJ: And then he hid…in the fridge?
LJ: From a nuclear weapon?
LJ: …were there no consultations on this bullshit?
LJ: And GODDAMMIT PRAIRIE DOGS JUST STOP
C: AND THE GODDAMN GOPHER. WHAT IS THIS FUCKING GOPHER FETISH????
C: Shit are they prairie dogs? Oh wait never mind—I literally could not care less.
LJ: LOL
LJ: I just want this to be awesome so much
LJ: And it’s not
LJ: And I’m so sad that I’m
LJ: HENCE THE ALL CAPS
C: I know. It’s so disappointing.
LJ: Oh wait so he’s now a spy…a colonel?
C: I don’t know but I can’t take Janitor from Scrubs seriously.
LJ: Hahahahaha
LJ: That is the janitor from Scrubs! …and he’s being a duck to Indy!
LJ: DAMMIT PHONE
LJ: I NEVER, EVER MEAN DUCK
C: LOL
C: So Indy was a war hero…but that’s literally all we learn about what happened in 30 years.
LJ: How did Indy have time to be a war hero and a professor
LJ: Is that Marcus?
C: …Is it? I just know it’s Professor Slughorn.
LJ: OMG
LJ: IT IS
LJ: It’s not Marcus, he called him Charlie and then fired Indy
C: Hey this scene looks familiar…OH WAIT. IT’S A CARBON COPY OF RAIDERS.
LJ: DAMMIT SPIELBERG
LJ: Also, sad Sean Connery photo :(
C: Aw Sean Connery… :(
C: Oh fuck. And then there was Shia LaBeouf.
LJ: Oh no it’s Shia LaSHUTTHEFUCKUP
You cast THIS GUY? SERIOUSLY?!
LJ: WHY is his name Mud
LJ: That is literally the worst name that could have chosen other than Shit or Balls.
C: Mutt. But still dumb as shit.
LJ: Mutt?!
LJ: Wha?!
LJ: What the?!
LJ: UNNGGH
C: Yeah. The worst. Even worse than Willie, maybe.
LJ: Never thought I’d miss that dumb broad.
C: LOL
C: Indy’s old is distracting me from his words.
LJ: Oh wait there’s exposition. Something about the Amazon and crystal skulls.
LJ: And Mutt’s mother is…someone?
LJ: And then the KGB came to the soda shop and they separated into greasers and preps?!
C: “Nice try kid but I think you just brought a knife…” *ridiculously drawn out pause* “…to a gun fight.” Bleh.
LJ: Also stolen from The Untouchables
C: And now old Indy is climbing through the car window. What. The. Hell. Grandpa.
LJ: And Indy on the back of Shia LaDouche’s motorcycle is not an image I need.
*retch*
C: LOL
LJ: Oh that’s right, let’s drive straight through the protesters!
LJ: You fucking idiots.
C: Right? Also the protesters…why? Spielberg is trying way too hard for atmosphere.
C: MOTORCYCLE. IN. THE. FUCKING. LIBRARY.
C: QUIT IT.
LJ: JUST STOP
C: Also, that student asking questions was a huge tool.
LJ: And how is Indy an expert in literally everything?!
C: SHIT. My disc skipped. Where are you now?
LJ: He just started talking about the Nazca lines
LJ: My DVD is reading 38:17
C: Lol. 40:46. LIBRARY DISCS BLOW CHUNKS.
C: Pause it when you get there. And feel free to fill me in. Lol.
LJ: Omg okay I will perservere
LJ: So they talked a lot and found out the skull is in Peru
C: Ah. So that’s where I am now. Peru. Ha.
LJ: So they’re taking a plan and it’s a montage with frankly excellent music
LJ: And Shia LaDouche brought his motorcycle
LJ: Because douche
LJ: Apparently Indy was kidnapped by Poncho Villa at some point
LJ: Aaaaand…I’m caught up!
LJ: There are nuns now.
LJ: Umm has Shia ever swept with a broom before?
LJ: …hello?
C: OMG the reception here is fucking awful.
Yeah. So as if the universe were against this movie—which is very possible—all technology collectively failed. DVD player skipped and phone said, “AW HELL NAW.” So after much grappling with delayed texts, a phone call, and bright idea on Laura Jo’s part to turn to the interwebz, we began to GChat, and our torture began anew.
C: AND WE’RE BACK MOTHERFUCKERS
LJ: NICE TRY TECHNOLOGY
C: I BLAME SPIELBERG
LJ: This is some American Horror Story witch season bullshit.
C: OH GAWD MADAME LALAURIE IS FUCKING UP OUR SHENANIGANS
My face while watching this movie
C: Ahhh there’s that broom you mentioned.
LJ: Yep. It’s as if that guy has never swept before.
C: He probably hasn’t. Goddamn privileged Even Stevens bastard…
LJ: Why are Indy and Shia out with metal shovels in a storm?
C: …How much better would it be if lightning struck them now and it ended?
LJ: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
LJ: WHO THE HELL ARE THESE DEMONS
LJ: GET THEE BACK
C: Skull faced ninja creepers?!?!?!
LJ: Did Indy just kill that guy by blowing that dart back backward in the tube back in to his mouth?
C: Yeah…
LJ: I literally gasped aloud.
C: My throat hurts now. Not even kidding.
C: It’s a sympathy ache. I FEEL MORE SYMPATHY FOR THAT DEAD ASSHOLE THAN I DO FOR MUTT.
LJ: …we aren’t even halfway.
C: HOW IS IT NOT EVEN HALFWAY YET???
LJ: All right, Mutt just got scorpion-stung!!
C: Yes. More of that, please.
LJ: So many skeletons and cobwebs.
C: They represent Spielberg’s decaying career…
LJ: LOL
So this is where Spielberg’s shame is buried…
LJ: What floor thing just happened? I feel like a floor thing just happened
C: Yeah a floor thing happened. Didn’t a floor thing happen in one of the others? Except a much better floor thing?
LJ: I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
C: LOL. That’s the most emo thing you’ve ever said.
LJ: How does Indy not have a knife?!
LJ: The answer is THIS IS WRONG.
C: Also, EW DECAYING PERSON
LJ: STILL NOT AS DISTURBING AS THE MELTING PPL IN RAIDERS
C: Fair point. *shiver*
LJ: But ew golden mask corpse guy
LJ: The maw is what gets me
LJ: Oh wait, was the alien skull cleverly hidden in some blankies just under that dead guy?
C: LOL. I think so!
LJ: OH THANK GOD, IT HAS THE POWER OF MAGNETS.
C: Can I just say how much the alien stuff in this movie pisses me off? It is so, so forced.
LJ: Too. True.
LJ: Oh and they exit and the bad guys are waiting right there!
LJ: WE HAVEN’T SEE THAT BEFORE
C: And here’s Mack again. Seriously, WHO THE FUCK IS MACK???
NOBODY INVITED YOU TO THIS PARTY.
LJ: Mack, you suck.
C: LOL. Precisely.
LJ: And stop calling him Jonesy!
LJ: NO ONE DOES THAT.
LJ: YOU FUCKING DICK.
LJ: Indy said, “eventually they’re gonna let me out of this chair comrade and when they do…I’m gonna break your nose.”
LJ: THAT WAS HIS THREAT.
LJ: I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR NOSE.
LJ: BOO FUCKING HOO.
C: That is def an old man threat.
C: Oh God Cate Blanchett you’re a badass in everything else I’ve seen you in but take that Russian accent and that wig and GTFO.
LJ: WHYYYY
LJ: What who the fuck is this hippie
C: Aww John Hurt no…don’t. Just leave this movie while you can.
LJ: JOHN HURT
LJ: NOOOO
C: GO BACK TO SELLING WANDS, JOHN.
LJ: PLZZZZZ
C: THE WORLD WAS A BETTER PLACE THEN
LJ: Seriously listening to Cate Blanchett speak in a Russian accent is making me want to yell at my neighbors
LJ: This movie is so bad
LJ: It’s not just that the script and plot are bad
LJ: It’s shitting on a legacy for 80s kids everywhere.
C: Exactly. It’s all manner of douchery.
LJ: I’m falling into the pit of despair here.
C: YEAH COMB YOUR FUCKING HAIR MUTT YOU LITTLE TWAT
C: MARION.
C: NO.
LJ: MARION
LJ: WHY
LJ: OH GOD WHY
RUN, MARION. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TRAINWRECK.
C: TAKE JOHN HURT AND LEAVE
C: Ugh. This reunion scene is the worst.
LJ: Why. Are. You. Arguing. About. This. Now.
LJ: Not the moment folks.
C: RIGHT?
LJ: Marion surely you’re over him by now!!
LJ: You are a badass lady!
C: Marion would def be better than all that by now.
LJ: I think Cate Blanchett would piss me off less if the character wasn’t fucking one dimensional
C: SHIA LADOUCHE STOP TRYING TO LOOK LIKE YOU’RE CRYING
LJ: SOMEONE JUST SQUIRT HIM WITH LEMON JUICE FOR CRISSAKE
C: SOMEONE JUST GET HIM OUT OF THIS MOVIE FOR CRISSAKE
LJ: Quicksand?!
LJ: COME ON.
LJ: COME.
LJ: FUCKING.
LJ: ON.
LJ: Annnnnd, Shia is Indy’s son.
C: …This is literally the worst way to tell someone he has a son.
LJ: JUST KICK ME WHEN I’M DOWN, SPIELBERG.
C: Wait…Mutt couldn’t find a stick or something??? He’s using a fucking snake to pull them out???
LJ: And he keeps throwing the head of the snake at him?
LJ: Couldn’t he hold the goddamn head?!
C: Everything about this is terrible. Were the writers stoned the WHOLE time or just a good 2/3 or so?
LJ: Def the whole thing
LJ: B/c they were slowly watching their childhoods die.
C: Hahahaha it’s the truth
C: Wait wait wait—Marion and Indy were going to get married?!
LJ: And of course they have a 30-year-old lovers’ spat in the back of this truck
LJ: Family reunion!
LJ: This is so, so bad!
C: Seriously, if we ever watch one this bad again, we ARE making a drinking game out of it.
C: UGH. And now suddenly they’re in love again. Like…what?
LJ: THEY WEREN’T YOU
LJ: BLEEEEEUUUGGGGHHHYYYYAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
C: I projectile vomited everywhere.
LJ: So obvious. So disappointing.
LJ: Such a ploy.
C: I love John Hurt, but if he says “Henry Jones, Jun-e-yuh” one more time, I’m gonna lose it.
John Hurt pauses to seriously question why he decided to do this movie…
LJ: So many bullets, no one getting shot.
LJ: But sure, a high-speed fistfight!
C: Again, with young Indy, I’d go for it. But this…ugh.
LJ: Oh, hey, at least Mack is secretly CIA.
C: He’s still a dick.
LJ: LOL
LJ: Also they are in the jungle with NO ROADS yet still able to have a GD SWORDFIGHT
C: And now a double car swordfight. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
LJ: I’m so angry.
LJ: AND THEN SHIA GOT HIT IN THE JUNK BY A TREE STRADDLED BTWN TWO JEEPS
LJ: AND KEPT SWORDFIGHTING
LJ: Just. Kill. Me.
C: Only if I can die, too. Double suicide.
C: Or double homicide. Whatever. NO MORE.
LJ: And then, monkeys.
C: THE MONKEYS. AND LADOUCHE SWINGING THROUGH THE TREES. LITERALLY THE WORST SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF WORST SCENES.
LJ: Yes. It literally is.
LJ: There are absolutely zero redeeming qualities.
LJ: It’s like horrible Indy fanfiction.
LJ: And monkeys are clearly CGI.
There are not enough hateful words to describe this.
C: Like, the CGI is a lead actor in this movie.
C: …Why is this movie still going?
C: ICK. Ant squash.
LJ: Cate Blanchett knee squish
C: Ohhhhh Gawd there it is. No one wants to see this death. No. One.
LJ: INTO THE ANT HILL
LJ: How is this vehicle still running
LJ: Oh no!
LJ: And over the cliff!
C: And the ridiculous number of waterfalls. Because everyone would survive this.
LJ: FALSE SPIELBERG.
LJ: Three times it drops.
LJ: And then Marion went crazy holding the disembodied steering wheel.
LJ: Just stop.
C: Seriously. They’re making her more like Willie than the Marion we know, and that’s dumb.
LJ: …And we’re back in a cave.
LJ: Also no matter what time period we always have incredibly elaborate torches.
C: It’s very true.
C: Aliens. Fucking aliens. I HATE THIS STORYLINE.
LJ: It’s the worst.
“Hey! If I swing this hard enough, maybe I can knock the douche out of you…”
C: And the natives…emerge from the crumbling walls?
LJ: EW! Omg people from the walls!
LJ: What the hell!
LJ: …Are they just hanging out there?
LJ: Just in case??
C: Like, is that where they nap??
LJ: Omg. Come on. Let’s all just stop yelling for help.
LJ: THIS IS A FUCK UP, FOLKS.
LJ: AINT NO HELP COMING FOR NOBODY.
C: LOL. Definitely thought I just saw some guy’s balls. Happily, it was his throwing stones…I think.
LJ: Huzzah.
C: Although it would’ve been an interesting twist in a dull movie.
LJ: Also it’s convenient that they have an insane person who has all their answers.
C: Srsly. Indy has never had to work less. He needs more crazy friends.
LJ: NOT THE TIME FOR A TENDER MOMENT, YA WEIRDOS
C: Like, yeah, but…a SKELETON to stop that? WTF???
LJ: At this point I’m numb to the pain
C: LOL. Keep downing that drink.
LJ: Why do we want to open this giant door again?
LJ: Wasn’t old Indy the voice of reason when it comes to unknown bullshit like that?
C: Yeah apparently old age has made him less wise. Usually the opposite, but whatever…
LJ: I blame the writers.
LJ: UGH MACK
LJ: AND NOW YOU’RE A BAD GUY AGAIN
LJ: JUST COME ON MAN
C: Also, how did this bitch get here???
LJ: And here we are again, like Elsa and the holy grail
C: And now Cate Blanchett wants to know. Ugh.
LJ: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
LJ: RIPPED OFF FROM STAR WARS.
C: FLY CASUAL
LJ: LAUGH IT UP FUR BALL
C: God, quoting Star Wars is so much better than all of this movie.
C: Cate Blanchett still wants to know. GALADRIEL, CHECK YOSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOSELF.
Your brain on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
LJ: HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FOLKS
LJ: NOTHING AT ALL
C: “Use your legs, Mack. I can’t do it alone.” THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.
C: And now the suddenly in the flesh alien. Sigh.
LJ: And Cate Blanchett dies from eye fire.
LJ: Typical.
C: LOL
LJ: And they’re helpfully expelled from that situation by some handy water pressure.
C: Just up to the surface in time to see the goddamn alien ship rise…in an Indiana Jones movie.
C: WHUT
C: Also, why the triumphant music? So does not fit.
LJ: Flying saucer.
LJ: FLYING FUCKING SAUCER.
LJ: Yelling at the screen.
C: WITH INDY. DOES NO COMPUTE.
C: “The treasure wasn’t gold. It was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure.” I just puked.
C: Such. Bad. Writing.
C: And Mutt called Indy Dad. PUKED AGAIN.
LJ: I CANNOT
LJ: MAWWAIGE
LJ: IS WHUT BWINGS US TOGETHA
LJ: To collectively face palm.
C: LOL
C: OH NO. DON’T GIVE MUTT THAT HAT.
LJ: NOT FOR YOU, SHIA.
C: Also, Indy c’mon…wearing the hat to your wedding?
LJ: THANK GOD IT’S OVER
LJ: That was so painful
C: RIGHT? I hurt everywhere.
LJ: I just want to go to bed and dream of a better tomorrow.
C: Thank you for agreeing to suffer through this with me. I will never ask you to go through this again ever, I swear.
C: Dream of young Indy. Or young Han, who will also be getting old soon, but in a much more graceful way, let us hope.
LJ: Han. I will dream of Han.
LJ: Indy is too soon.
LJ: And for you , I would watch anything.
LJ: *except horror movies
If you made it to the end of this, congratulations—you are a trooper. You made it through this painful film with us, and you deserve a bottle of wine. Or whiskey. Or vodka. Or all three. Basically, whatever you need to wash away the memory of the horseshit.
Thanks for suffering with the Schusters.
Fuck this film.
LONG LIVE SHITFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why? Because Benedict Cumberbatch emerging from water with his shirt open cures all ills.
